I wish I could speak English as well as the bilinguals....

I wish I could speak English as well as the bilingual or multilingual. I'd like to convey what I say a lot more but I have no skills of that.
I'm sad. I really....I want to....but tearless, I have no tears.
My head doesn't work. My engine doesn't start. I think my feeling is NOT clear.

A country is the next door to Russia used to be Soviet Union. The military of that is stronger than that of Russia. I hear They are stronger than the others especially in winter. How come? They have an absolute motivation to protect their country. On the other hand Russian soldiers don't have it. They just invade the next doors with senior officers' order. I try to look at myself from the outside. (The human can NOT look at himself/or herself. To be or not to be, that's a question.) I think I give up something in my life. I have no idea what it is. Maybe it doesn't give me the motivation. The Job-Hunting is a war. I must put myself in the battle field until some company hires me. There are a couple of handicaps but I must fight........

完全に同じことを伝えることは、ニュアンス的にも言語の持っている特徴、背後にある文化などからも無理だとは思いますが私の英語力の無さをつくづく感じます。不自由無く、話すことが出来たら良いのにと........